Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
I didn’t know that my favorite Halloween treat came in life size!
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
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