"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
What are the chances I open with a pun that’s so bad you Leah-ve me hanging?
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
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