You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
I have no shelf control.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
Time to celery-brate.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
I want you more than I want world peace.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
When God made you, he was just showing off.
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