I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
I perform best when I’m wet.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
This summer is going swimmingly.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
"Having a good hare day."
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