There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
You are pitcher perfect.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
People are always after me lucky charms.
Don’t be elfish.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
Prepare to be bowled over.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
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