All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.

Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.

When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp

Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.

What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!

Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”

What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood

A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."

The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.

What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody

What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.

You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you

Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."

I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.

Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.

What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.

What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.

Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.

What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!

What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.

What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.

What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.

You know, your smile has been lighting up the room all night, and I just had to come and say hello.

What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.

Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?

Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!

Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.

What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!

Do you be-leaf in magic?

What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!

Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.

“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”

- James Rollins.

Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!

I'll make love to you if you want me to.

I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.

Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!

What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma

One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!

When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"

What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.

Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.

Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.