Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
The weather outside is snow joke.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
Owl always love you.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
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