My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Monday should be optional.”
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
I whale always love you.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
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