Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
I’m very frond of you.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
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