What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
Nice Ass-teroid.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Why settle for metaphors? How about I turn that simile into a smile?
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
Want to be workout buddies?
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
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