“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Do you comma here often?
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Will you be my G-Protein? Because I want to be coupled with you!
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
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