I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.

Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.

A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.

What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.

Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.

What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.

My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.

I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.

I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.

Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.

A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.

When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving

You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.

Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.

Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.

What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!

Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.

What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...

No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.

Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.

There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.

What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!

Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.

Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.

I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.

What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.

What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.

I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.

What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.

Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.

There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman

Mermaids always drink mermosas.

I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.

I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.

What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"

Shell-abrate the good times!

Are you a booger? Because I want to pick you first.

Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.

What do you call two pears?
A pair.

Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.

How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.

Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.

What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.