“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
Would you like to share fire with me?
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
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