“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
I can be your travel pillow.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
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