College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
Whatever coats your boat.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
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