What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
We make a great pear
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
I like you cherry much.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
You’re my heartthrob.
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
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