Fir sure.

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.

It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.

Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.

What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.

What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.

Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.

“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz

Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.

This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.

I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.

Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.

Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin

Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!

What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.

Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.

It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...

"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw

Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.

I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.

What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."

A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later

From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!

Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.

“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller

If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?

When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.

I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.

(Sarina McConnell)

Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather

How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.

Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.

Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.

Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.

What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.

When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.

Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!

The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“

Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.

Mind if my comet enters your solar system?

I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.

Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.