I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Haida there, gorgeous.
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
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