How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Namastay here or come home with me?
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
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