Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
As it snow happens.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
Let me plant one on ya!
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
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