What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
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