Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
Seas the day.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
Wow, you drive me Davi
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
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