Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Now I know why there's no snow - you're so hot!
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
When God made you, he was just showing off.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
I want you for no raisin.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
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