What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
If you and I were flowers, we’d have a budding romance.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
"No body won the skeleton race."
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
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