“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
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