Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
There’s no trick in these pants.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
I love you so fairy much.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
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