Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
I'm at my best during overtime.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
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