I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
Not even Fahrenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin can measure how hot you are!
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
So … do you run here often?
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
It's lit.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Theres a party in my pants and your invited.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
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