Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.

My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her

You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff

Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.

What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.

Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.

The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday

Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference

"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."

A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.

“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”

What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.

Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.

Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.

You've really struck a gourd with me...

Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.

Hey, so how do you spell your name?
OK, and how do you spell your number?

What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.

How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.

What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”

I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity

What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.

What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.

I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.

I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea

Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.

Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.

What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!

I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.

What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.

What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.

I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!

What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?

What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.

Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!

Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.