Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
We like to paddy.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
The weather outside is snow joke.
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
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