The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.

"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon

You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.

What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.

Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!

A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

What do you call Bears without ears
B.

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.

How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX

What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi

What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."

A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.

Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones

If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!

Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.

This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!

We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?

What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.

By the seat of one’s punt

Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.

Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.

The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.

Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.

What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!

“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho

What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.

When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.

What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck

What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.

What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.

What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!

I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.

What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!

Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.

“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh

What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.

If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.

My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.

As it snow happens.