Eddie edited it.

“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler

“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert

“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown

What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!

You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.

What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.

What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.

The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.

Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.

Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.

Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.

The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.

His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”

He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.

It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.

I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.

Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.

You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.

I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.
GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.

HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.

I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.

What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.

I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.

What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.

If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.

Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.

She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile

The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.

How about we get down to monkey business?

Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!

Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.

What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".

I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?

- by Jeff Kyser

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.

The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.

You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.

Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg

He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.