What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Reading is a novel idea.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
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