Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.

What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.

Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!

The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.

A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.

If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?

I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.

Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.

Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.

“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”

My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak

Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.

What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.

Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.

I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.

This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.

Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!

Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.

I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.

We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.

Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?

What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!

What has four legs and one arm?

A rottweiler at a park.

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.

I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.

How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!

Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.

“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill

What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.

"Whenever I See"

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.

What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!

What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.

Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood

Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”

What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.

I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.

“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”

Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.

My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!

You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.

Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.

A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.