Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
That’s a-may-zing!
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
We’ll have a ball.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
Icy what you did there!
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
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