Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
So how many cats do you have?
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
After all is sled and done.
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
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