What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
"Some people have no guts."
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
I’m elf-taught.
when I’m with you.
I really like you. So does my wife.
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
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