It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
I’ll be there in a pinch.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
If you were here, Abby all over you
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
Why don't you reach in and grab some popcorn?
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
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