What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
You knead me in your loaf.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Variety is the ice of life.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
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