Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
We’ll have a ball.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
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