What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
We're donion rings.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
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