Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Drink happy thoughts.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What is your favorite yoga pose?
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
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