It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
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