What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
I love you berry much.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
qwsedrftgyhujikolpawesdrtfgyhujikloaszxdcrfvgtbhnjmk,lazsxdcfvgsedtfrgyftg67y78u87u8uii9op[;'';;'/;l/l;.l.k,lkmjkmertyudfghjk12q21q2qw3qwe3we4r45rt6ygerdgfvbwedfcv qwedfscv
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
You're such a TEAse.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
I get a real kick out of you.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
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