What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
Want to get some air? You took my breath away!
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
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