What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
My text tone is adorable! Message me, so you can hear it.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
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