Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Let’s get elf-ed up.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
I would give anything to be your personal item.
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