Does February like March?
No, but April May.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
Wish upon a starfish.
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
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