What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
You have been running through my mind all day.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
You set my heart bonfire.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
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