I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
My pants might be in the wrong place but my heart is always in the right place.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
I'm fondue you, it's true
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
My weekend is fully booked.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
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