Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
Is it me or is there an interaction between us?
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
French people give me the crepes.
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