“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
Hey girl, my gold medal might be shiny but it looks like a dull penny compared to that sparkle in your eyes
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
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