I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
Don't even chai.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
Anything is popsicle during summer!
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
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