Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
Hello Boo-tiful.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
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