I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey who tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I smell like your mom/dad?
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
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