Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
You are the object of my preposition.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
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