How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
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