Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
Baby, there ain't no placebo for what I can give you.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Pugs and kisses.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
We’ve got serious chemistry.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
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