What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
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