I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Anything is popsicle during summer!
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
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