My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
Case in punt
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
We should make like your parents and split.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Metaphors be with you.
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Corona crisis reaches new level:
Iran out of toilet paper.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
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