Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
"Adulting makes me wine."
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
We’re in a-green-ment.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
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