Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
It takes one to snow one.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
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