What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
You are sweeter than 3.14.
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Hey, can I put you on my emergency contact list?
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
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