Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
I'll light your fire for you if you want!
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
I think you and I could make a perfect Caleb-oration
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Do you squat here often?
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
Football is one habit I will never kick
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
You’re udder-ly perfect.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
How about drinking some alcohol to catalyze your love reaction a bit more?
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
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