Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
We were mermaid for each other.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
There’s no trick in these pants.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
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