How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
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