Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
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