“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
Wish upon a starfish.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"Have a hoppy Easter."
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
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