People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
You and I could totally melt my igloo.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
You must have been born in an open cluster because you shine as if you were a young star.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
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