Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Can’t pinch this.
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
Please excuse my resting beach face.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
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