“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
You're like baseball: You make me all nervous
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
Propranolol is red, digoxin is blue. My heart skips a beat when I see you.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
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