I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
It’s snow joke.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
It’s a winterful day!
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
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