What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Ah! The element of surprise.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Girl, you’re truly one in Amelia
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
"Time wounds all heels."
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
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