How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
"Alcohol you later."
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
I whale always love you.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
Tropic like it's hot.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
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