I've been thinking of U periodically.
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
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