What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
Snow on and snow forth.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Car puns are really tiring
Keep calm and carrot on.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
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