Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
I like your tight end
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
You look like trash, may I take you out?
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
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