What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
Rudder valve reversals
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
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