I feel like we're in tune
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
Baby you make my telescope expand.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
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