My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
What is the study of real estate? Homology
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Live to tell the tail.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
You're the thought that counts!
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Can you tell your tendy to look the other way while I slip one?
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
Go to BabaMail
