When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?
Me: Yep.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
I whale always love you.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
Girl, you're so beautiful. I'd cross the Delaware River to be with you.
How do I know many hundreds of digits of pi greek and not the 7 digits of your phone number?
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
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